In The Eye Of The Beholder

As a gender fluid person, I always feel that I can only control so much of my gender appearance, or more specifically, how my gender is perceived by other people. I’m male-bodied, but I prefer to present in a mostly trans-feminine way. I’m under no illusion that I “pass” (horrible term) as female, and I don’t think that’s my goal. I just wear the clothes I want to wear, and I like to wear make-up and jewellery. How people perceive me is mostly up to them.

I work in a shop, in a very public environment. Some people see me as female, some people as male. I can’t control that, so I don’t try to. I feel that if I get gendered both ways, then I’ve got the fluid thing down, to an extent. Some people call me “the lady”, then apologise for mis-gendering me (in their eyes). I often tell them not to worry as I’m fluid, so either/or works. It has happened the other way too.

I do have preferences, though. I can’t deny my male body, but I do prefer to be feminine. This also applies to pronouns. I use she and they, and I have this on my name badge at work. Being called “he” grates with me. I don’t like it, but I do accept it. Thankfully, it doesn’t happen too often. I’ve been Catie at work since the beginning of the year and all of my team and fellow managers use “she” without any apparent discomfort, for which I’m hugely grateful.

I also feel that my pronouns aren’t something I can really insist upon people using. Pronouns are generally used when people are being talked about. If I’m not there, there’s not much I can do about what people are calling me. I would hope that they are being respected, but I don’t lose any sleep over it. It’s all about respect. If people insist on calling me Craig at work, or calling me “he”, then that’s a sign they don’t respect me or my wishes. All I can do is ask that they do respect me, and if they don’t, well, I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

The only exception to this is at home. I’m still Craig at home, and I’m still “he” with my family. That’s just the way it is, and I don’t mind that. If I were to fully transition, then I expect I would feel different, but that’s not something I need to worry about now.