How far is enough?

Since becoming aware that I’m gender fluid, I’ve been asking myself what that looks like in day-to-day life. Is just knowing that you’re gender fluid enough, or must it be demonstrated as often and as loudly as possible? If gender is a sliding scale, then what happens if the scale is tipped more to one side that the other? If I never get a chance to get up to the feminine side, does that matter?

Here’s a strange thing (well, to me, at least)… When I’m in the shower and I look down at my body, I can almost believe that my body is feminine, in spite of the hair which covers 80% of my skin (I removed the hair from my chest and shoulders last week, just to see what it was like) and the male appendage tucked away under my belly.

I don’t know if this is some weird wish-projection or dysmorphia or something else. Yes, my fingernails and toenails are painted, but just those things alone can’t equal a feminine glamour in my mind, surely? I look down at my body and it looks curvaceous, when I just used to think it was fat. I can see the beginnings of a waist around my belly-button, not above my hips.

In everyday life, my finger and toenails are painted, I wear “women’s” rings on the fingers I can fit them on and I’m usually wearing tight, skinny jeans. I have a helix piercing in my ear. My hands look feminine to me. My hair is the longest it’s ever been, falling over my ears and long enough to tie into a short ponytail at the back. For a lot of people, that would be plenty – the ability to express your gender fluidity in everyday life is something that is withheld from many for whatever reason, but is it enough for me?

Where do I want to go from here? Is it my ambition to be fully feminine in my dress? I’d love to wear skirts and dresses with boots, heeled or not. I have ambitions to wear makeup, even if just eyeliner and mascara. Do I want to live in permanent girl mode, or is it just a place I haven’t been able to visit for so long that I crave it? If I had the chance to dress up regularly, would that scratch the itch I have, or would I always want more?