I was changing clothes after work today, and I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I was mostly naked, just wearing a pair of knickers, and for once I was actually happy with what I saw.
I’ve always been less than happy with my body – I’ve always felt it was too chubby, my legs were too short, my torso too long, and all the hair… I’ve always covered up, except in summer when I wore shorts and t-shirts, but I never walked around without a shirt, or even a few buttons undone. I never wanted anyone to see my moobs or hairy back.
Now I’ve realised that as my gender has changed, and how my gender presentation has altered, my perception of my body has changed. I never liked my body because it didn’t fit my idea of a “male body”. It was always too podgy, too soft. The only thing that was “manly” was all the hair, which I’ve always hated.
Now I see those soft and podgy bits as being voluptuous and curvy, and much more feminine. My moobs look great under a tight t-shirt, especially with a soft bra-top. I wouldn’t say I have a feminine body, but I do have a fluid body. It’s neither fully male, not fully female, but something in-between, something… me. It’s not perfect, I’d love a flatter tummy, but I’m more than happy with what I’ve got right now. (The quest to remove body hair continues, however…)
I’m enjoying my body (no, not like that), I’m revelling in the way I look now. I’d love to do a photoshoot one day soon – a proper one, with a proper photographer – to celebrate my body the way it is now – to dress up in clothes that celebrate me, to show me off. I may be 48, I may have a bit of a tummy, but I’ve got great hair, amazing legs and I’ve got confidence!
Positively Catie 