Six months ago I came out publicly as gender fluid, so I thought it might be a good time to look back and reflect on my journey so far.
So far, the reaction has been mostly positive. People have been supportive and encouraging, and I haven’t really encountered any backlash or transphobia (apart from a charming pair of youths the other night calling me a “fucking tranny”). When I go out in girl-mode I do get the odd stare, but I usually don’t notice it much. I choose to believe they’re just checking out how fabulous I look!
Most days I wear eye makeup and earrings, and I often wear a skirt at work or when I go out on my days off. That’s just who I am now and what I do. A few weeks ago on Strictly Come Dancing, Tilly Ramsey’s partner, Nikita, talked about “making the uncomfortable comfortable”, and that’s how I feel my journey has progressed. Yes, it was uncomfortable the first time I went out, but now it’s just me being me. Still getting used to heels though!
I’m still struggling with secrecy though. I’m so used to hiding the fluid side of me that it’s difficult to be open and honest with myself and others. I’m still thinking, “oh, maybe I shouldn’t be telling people that my tights keep falling down”, but then why shouldn’t I? It’s just an everyday thing that people talk about.
My gender is something that I’m still exploring, in terms of which pronouns I use and how I perceive myself. At the moment, I feel my pronouns are they/them, as that’s the closest I can get to what I feel inside.
I’m beginning to reject/object to “he/him”, but I don’t think I can lay claim to “she/her”. I don’t feel male, I don’t like being called “fella” or “that gentleman”, but I do like it when I’m called “the lady at the till”, so I don’t really know what that means…
In some ways I feel that my gender is in the eye of the beholder. I seem to be getting equal amounts of people referring to me with both male and female words, so I suppose that might mean I’m nailing this gender fluid life, if people can’t decide who or what I am, and that pleases me!
I just hope that by being me, I can be an example, or a reference point for others. I wear a genderfluid badge and I have “they/them” pronouns on my name badge at work. I’ve already had one person say that they were inspired by my hair to cut their own in a more non-binary style, and another ask for my pronouns. I just want to be visible and to help others realise that the gender binary isn’t really a thing, and what someone wears or looks like really isn’t any of anyone’s business!
So, in conclusion, thank you for your support and love, and for reading all this! x
Positively Catie 